Spotty at Best
by I Am Sweden
Summary: When the heroes and villains of Dissidia take a twenty-day long vacation, unlikely things occur. Rated for much sarcasm, Tidus-stories, harrasment in all its forms, and gender mishaps.


**Spotty at Best**

_Monday- Terra_

Terra woke up to the sound of a scream. She wasn't the least bit worried, because it was probably only the Onion Knight being too peppy for someone. She quietly fixed her light pick bed and set to getting ready for the first day of their vacation.

The twenty-day long truce had been unanimous: both Cosmos' and Chaos' warriors were certain that they needed a vacation- _badly_.

When Terra was finished tidying up, she silently slipped into a war zone. Squall snapped at anyone that go within a five-foot radius of him and the coffee maker. Terra decided to simply walk away.

The beat up couch was taken by Zidane, who was making a loud, honking noise that Terra guessed was supposed to be snoring. He didn't move when she carefully moved his feet and sat, pulling out a book. When Zidane's tail inconspicuously dropped on her lap, she yanked hard on it, not once looking up from her copy of _How to Deal with Pigheaded, Obsessive Men_.

Zidane yelped and jumped on the couch. "That is SEXUAL HARASSMENT!"

"SHUT UP, MONKEY-BOY!" Squall yelled. The red light on the coffee machine lit up and he eagerly downed his cup of joe.

As Bartz and the Onion Knight rolled into view, the two appearing to be wrestling over an unopened pack of Pokemon cards, the Warrior of Light sauntered out of his room. Everyone froze and stared at him, dressed in jeans and a baggy white tee shirt. He didn't seem to notice as he made his sleepy way over to Squall and, more importantly, the coffee. "This isn't decaf, is it?"

"Heck no," Squall replied, taking a slow sip.

Bartz and Onion Knight resumed their fight.

Terra ducked just in time to narrowly avoid the speeding blitz ball hurdling in her direction. It slammed into Firion's face. Rosebud wasn't very happy.

Tidus ran out and instantly started a tirade of excuses.

"~Hey now, hey now! This is what dreeeeeeeeams are made of~!" Cloud sang (off-key) from the bathroom where he was spraying can after can of hairspray on his bed hair. When he came out, however, he went back to his cold, morose self.

Cecil, who looked like the Warrior of Light's twin, came and went quickly. Probably off to see Golbez.

"Oh, fine," Zidane finally sighed. "I'm sorry…. Hey, Terra, where're you going?"

_Tuesday- Ultimecia_

The time sorceress yawned under the shade of a striped umbrella. So Exdeath's place wasn't exactly Costa del Sol, but….

Terra walked over, found a nice spot on the grass, and opened her book. Ultimecia looked down at it. "What's that?"

"The book that's teaching me how to deal with the guys," she replied, holding it up for her to see.

Ultimecia scoffed. "I could teach you a lot more than that stupid guide."

"Really?" Terra asked, cocking an eyebrow. She threw it behind her and gathered her knees, looking towards the witch.

With a smile, Ultimecia explained everything.

_Wednesday- Garland_

"The mimic and Monkey-Boy seem to have an alliance. Together, they are mostly speed…. But when the Lion is with them-"

"Garland, Garland, Garland!" Kefka scolded, floating on his stomach. "This is our vacation time! You don't sit around and brood in the dark and go over battle tactics, you get up and enjoy yourself!"

He stared at the clown blankly. "Would asking you how you enjoy your time be a bad thing?"

Kefka thought for a minute, kicking his feet to swim in the air. "Now that you mention it, I suppose it would be a tad wrong…."

The psychotic clown burst out laughing. "What I do isn't that important. For today I'm just going to float around. Now _that_ is a nice, proven way to relieve stress. Ah, time to visit the ever so lovely Sephiroth! I have a schedule to follow, you know."

Actually, Garland didn't know. And he didn't really care to know anyway. Kefka was apparently waiting on a goodbye, so Garland picked up a rock amongst the ruins of his palace and chucked it at his head.

Now _that_ was fun.

_Thursday- Bartz_

Bartz slowly popped his head up from behind the couch. Zidane followed suit. The two of them nodded solemnly to each other and jumped over the couch, water guns raised high. "Now, Tidus!" Cecil called. The blitz ball ace rolled into view wielding two huge water guns. Squally, hidden, went 007 on the four, springing a surprise attack from the hallway.

"There's too many!" Bartz exclaimed, narrowly avoiding two rapid streams of icy water. "We've got to get our secret weapon!"

Zidane's eyes widened. "But that's too powerful!"

Bartz shook his head and murmured, "We don't have any other choice. SHANTOTTO!" he shouted.

The mage appeared and Squall, Tidus, and Cecil didn't stand a chance.

_Friday- Cloud_

"Bring it, Sephy," Cloud challenged.

Sephiroth gave him a fearless smirk. "Thirty gil say you can't beat me."

"Forty, and it's a deal."

**Ten seconds later…**

"Pay up!" Sephiroth demanded, gesturing to their tic-tac-toe game. "I beat you fair and square!"

"No way I'm paying a worthless cheater!"

And so the chase was on.

_Saturday- Exdeath_

"Morning, Death," Jecht waved, walking past the villain's still figure. He paused and spun on his heel. "Death? Exdeath? Heeeeeeellllllllooooooo?"

Kuja rolled his eyes and explained, "He's photosynthesizing. Exdeath is a tree, remember?"

Jecht scratched his head in confusion. "But… if he's a tree, why can he walk?"

The genome didn't answer. He and Jecht stood there a while, trying to figure out one of life's greatest mysteries.

Kefka popped up in front of them. "No brooding, now!"

"We are not brooding, you pathetic excuse for a living organism," Kuja snapped.

The clown wagged his finger. "Ah, ah, now! None of that! You know what they say, 'You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else'!"

Kuja narrowed his eyes, magic crackling at his eager fingertips. "Excuse me?"

"Kuja…," Jecht warned.

"Yes! Wouldn't want to ruffle those hideous feathers, now would we?"

He snapped, tracing.

Jecht merely shrugged and turned back to Exdeath. "So," he started casually to him, "you, like, absorb vitamin D through that armor?"

_Sunday- Emperor_

The Emperor dejectedly checked the fridge. There wasn't much, and whatever food there was he wouldn't dare mess with. Like really, green chicken?" Who would actually eat that?

Now that he thought about it, just about everyone but Golbez, Kuja, and himself _would_ eat the oddity. If they ever did eat.

Golbez, walking in, sighed. "Nothing edible. I already checked."

The two forlornly stared at the empty fridge. Their stomachs growled.

Suddenly, the Emperor got an idea. But… doing so would forever destroy their reputations as cold, evil villains….

He thought long and hard about it. His title, or food?

Food?

Food.

"Follow me, Golbez," he said, steeling his resolve. Screw that stupid title.

***

"These cookies are delicious, Firion," the Emperor moaned, taking another satisfied bite.

Golbez and Kuja (they found him passed out from hunger on their way to the Light Side) full-heartedly nodded.

Ultimecia and Terra guffawed in at the pitiful three in the living room, almost as loud as Cecil and Zidane who stood in the kitchen doorway.

The three villains froze in midbite as Tidus rushed in, holding a camera.

The Emperor narrowed his icy glare at the jock. "You wouldn't-"

_Snap._

_Monday- Kefka_

The boat was sinking fast.

"NO!" Kefka screamed, jumping up. "DON'T LET GO!"

Jecht, Kefka, Kuja, and Garland let out an echoing wail, tears streaming down their faces.

Irritated beyond belief, the Warrior of Light flipped on the lights in the living room. He met four blubbering faces of his fearsome adversaries. With a look on the TV, he gaped. "It's _Titanic_! What is wrong with you morons!?"

"Well," Kuja started, dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief Jecht provided, "Kefka is a crazed homosexual child molester-"

"Just… keep it down," WoL muttered, walking back to his room.

They turned their attention back to the screen.

"I TOLD JACK NOT TO LET GO!"

_Tuesday- Cloud of Darkness_

CoD sat on the couch, jadedly flipping through channel after boring channel. Everyone on Chaos' side (except herself) were at the Light Warrior's place. The pigheaded/freakish men were there for food; Ultimecia with the little girl who desperately needed a life; and Jecht, Golbez, and Kuja were with their family.

Talk about your plot twist.

Squall suddenly walked in. "You're still here?" he asked.

CoD shrugged. "It's either here or with the idiots."

"Amen, sister."

"So, what brings you to the dark side?"

"Getting money from Sephiroth because Cloud's a pussy."

"His room is the one with the thick, ominous metal door on the far right."

"Ah. Thanks."

"No problem."

_Wednesday- Zidane_

Terra was surprised to see Zidane alone on their porch. He was usually always with Bartz or annoying the living crap out of someone else, so something must have been wrong with the thief. Terra sat down next to him. "What's wrong, Zidane?"

Sighing, he explained, "There are only three girls here."

Terra narrowed her eyes. Was this another stupid trick? But before she got up to leave, Zidane wailed, "And none of you are Garnet! I miss her so much! I just want to go home!"

The half-esper's gaze softened. Maybe Zidane wasn't as bad a jerk as she had thought. Terra hugged him. "We all want to get home, Zidane. It's all right."

He hugged her back, silently snickering. Yeah, he _really_ appreciated his acting skills.

***

Cecil looked down at the black mass. "When did we get a new doormat?"

Kuja sighed. "That's not a doormat. That's a poor fool who should have known better than to flirt with half-espers."

"Poor Zidane."

"I suppose."

_Thursday- Tidus_

"And then this HUGE fireball appears and blasts us out of space! Luckily, Rikku's dad had a backup airship and we flew over to Bevelle. But right before the Bevelle guards fire the next one, we jump out from twenty-thousand feet in the air and join the fight! The look on Seymour's face was so shocked- you had to see it, man!- especially when the alien race of Lunarians dropped off my old man and the Cloud of Darkness! Then, while I single-handedly fought my way up to Seymour before he ate Yuna's brain, Cloud's huge buster sword falls down from the sky and cuts of Kinoc's hair! And that is why he is bald."

The boys and Terra stared at him.

Tidus, smirking, lounged back on his blitz ball. "Oh," he added, "and all of it was _completely_ true."

_Friday- Sephiroth_

"You're up, Ultimecia," Kuja announced from the couch. It was karaoke night- a tradition among the villains. But since the Light Warriors were too cheap to buy a karaoke machine, they had decided to make use of their Sing Star game.

The witch took the microphone and began to sing an awful Hannah Montana song. Only Kuja- always the critic- snickered, but he was ignored.

Next up was Sephiroth.

Kuja inconspicuously took the recording machine from Bartz, Cloud, and Zidane hiding behind the couch. A silent grin spread across his face. As Sephiroth began to sing.

"**You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when**…," his voice trailed off as he turned around, glaring at his work partners. "What was that click?"

The villains, all in on the scheme, shrugged, feigning indifference. With a curious, doubtful look at them, Sephiroth turned back.

The three Light Warriors burst into silent fits of laughter.

"WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE!?" WoL shouted.

"SHUT UP, LIGHT!" Cecil moaned.

"I NEED SLEEP! TOMORROW IS MY BLITZBALL MATCH!"

"NO ONE FREAKING CARES, TIDUS!" Squall, well, _squalled_.

And so the heroes argued all night.

_Saturday- Jecht_

Father and son gasped after their blitz match was over. It had been a tie.

But try telling _them_ that.

Jecht cleared his throat. "Now don't go home crying because I whooped you…."

"Whooped me?" Tidus snorted. "Yeah right. I totally _creamed _you, old man."

"Ha, just keep telling yourself that, kid."

"Kid!? I'm seventeen!"

"Well, I'm forty-three! That's a real man's age!"

"That's an old man's age!"

"Are you calling me old!?"

"You better believe it, _Oldie-Locks_!"

"REMATCH!"

"YOU'RE ON!"

_Sunday- Onion Knight_

OK looked around his messy room and palmed himself. If he was going to bring Terra over, he couldn't look like a total slob!

With a grunt, he pushed the pile of junk into his closet and slammed the door. This wasn't at all a good way to get something clean, but it didn't really matter anyway. They'd be going off to a fine restaurant (the kitchen where Squall held Firion at gun-blade point after Onion Knight paid him a hefty price).

He thought of the closet as a defense mechanism: if anyone dared come into his room, the avalanche would bury them.

The Onion Knight grinned.

His room was mostly spotless, and Terra was waiting.

***

"I'M SORRY, TERRA!" OK shouted, frantically pawing his stuff off of her. The avalanche, unfortunately, had worked.

Terra let out a muffled cry and turned espers, halfway blowing up the room.

_Monday- Squall_

"SILVER-HEADED DUDES UNITE!"

Firion, Cecil, Warrior of Light, Sephiroth, Luneth, Kuja, Ultimecia, and Cloud of Darkness jumped out, striking a pose.

"BLONDE-HAIRED DUDES ASSEMBLE!"

Zidane, Onion Knight, Terra, Emperor, Tidus, Kefka, Cloud, and Golbes also jumped out.

While the two groups flashed poses and said many corny catchphrases, the others dismally sat, staring at the morons and questioning if this was really heck.

The non-silver, non-blonde group were engaged in their own activities. Jecht and Bartz played checkers- Bartz was winning, Jecht saying many words that most societies frown upon. Garland and Exdeath just sat.

Squall, however, was set on revenge. He loaded his gun blade in solemn silence, deciding who he would take out first.

He narrowed his eyes at Zidane and Kuja, the two crowing the loudest. His fingers curled around the trigger….

"NOOO!" Kuja shrieked, "NOT MY RARE EXPENSIVE TERRAN SILK!" He screamed in a much higher pitch when Squall fired a hot pink paintball at his hair.

Zidane was green- but his face was bright red.

In all seriousness, Bartz left his checkers game and threw a strand of Christmas garland around him. Forgetting their stupid, obnoxious competition and ignoring Kuja's mental breakdown, hero and villain alike took the time to decorate the thief.

They started decorating Exdeath.

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Squall yelled, getting their attention. "Who's that kid?"

Onion Knight gasped, staring at Luneth in horror.

"NOOO! NOT THE REMAKE!"

Then he ran off to join Kuja with his own mental breakdown.

_Tuesday- Firion (Leon!?)_

"We made a mistake and-"

"'We'? Weren't you the one who went all Remington on us?" Firion cut Squall off. "Onion Knight and Kuja are still messed up!"

Squall groaned. "So you guys get away with anything, but I can't play a friendly joke?"

In response, Firion pulled out a picture. "Kuja looks like Lightning, man. I think that's taking things too far."

Gaping, he took the next picture of Onion Knight who was in tears. "He looks like Roxas! Ugh, so many bad memories coming back…. I mean, really. 'I'm a hero who fights with a key! I like Disney! I-'"

"Please, Squall, no more Kingdom Hearts tales. It's bad enough I didn't get the gig…. Yeah, Squall, _I_ was the first Leon."

"No way…."

"Yeah. Me and Cloud?- didn't work out. Disney said, 'We need manlier characters! Some guy who likes flowers can't take the job!' Well, what about Marluxia!?"

"He… was a special case. You know, like Kuja."

Firion nodded. "Yep. That explains it."

_Wednesday- Golbez_

"Hey, Cecil, have you seen Zidane? Kuja's still crying over his hair, and I think he can try and calm him down. See, Jecht really isn't-"

WoL turned around. "I haven't seen him today. Zidane or Cecil."

His face red, Golbez stiffly turned and left.

***

"And then, Cecil, I'm all like-"

Firion sighed. "Not Cecil."

***

Sephiroth glared him away.

***

"REFIA! ARC! INGUS!" Luneth yelled, searching for his friends. He shook his head. What was up with this place?

Golbez dismally walked away. OK was annoying. His freaky remake/double/nobody (why did he have the feeling someone had a heart-breaking talk about Kingdom Hearts?) would obviously be annoying too. Still, he asked, "Have you see Cecil?"

"Who?"

"Never mind."

***

Golbez sighed. "You know, Squall, I just can't find anyone today."

Cecil looked at him funny. "Uh, bro? I think you got your helmet on backwards again."

_Thursday- Warrior of Light_

"No more water guns, paintball, sappy movies, or Sing Star…," WoL muttered, crossing each off his list. "No more Tidus-Stories. And definitely no more remakes! Unless they're PS3 remakes…."

"Light? Are you talking to yourself again?" Cecil asked, helping with the repairs for Onion Knight's room. He carried several pieces of lumber.

"AHH, NO!"

Cecil sighed. "Can you add 'No more Bartz' to the list? Geez… he's not at all serious, and he's lazier than Squall and Zidane."

Tidus whooped, running past the two. Bartz chased after him. A huge, lethal sword was in the mime's hand.

Next came Cloud, shouting for them to, "GIVE ME MY DARNED, FREAKING BUTCHER'S-KNIFE-SWORD!" (This sentence was filtered by Cosmos.)

"Why aren't we paid for this again?" Light asked.

Firion, new to the conversation, gasped. "Death Note! That's why 'Light' is so familiar!"

Kefka also gasped, floating up to them. "I love Death Note! Kira's ingenious thinking just brings tears to my eyes…."

The three stared at him as he happily floating off.

"No more Kefka," Light added.

"I agree," the dark, cynical voice intoned behind them. They heard a crunch, like someone taking a bite out of an apple.

"SHUT UP AND GIVE ME MY SWORD, BUTZ!"

He laughed sounding behind them.

WoL sighed. "Guess it was only Bartz."

Reeuk frowned, appearing next to him. "Guess what was Bartz?"

The three men screamed.

***

Kuja raised his head. "Why do I get the feeling that someone just screamed at a higher pitch than I?"

Shaking his head- around which fell strands of wavy pink hair, much like Lightning's- he sighed and went back to moping.

_Friday- Cecil_

Cecil, Light, and Firion sat together in the dark basement, shrieking at every sound.

Eventually Cecil lost it. He just couldn't take the blind terror any longer. So, he did what any other fearless Light Warrior would do in this predicament. "THE ZOMBIES ARE AFTER US! GOLBEZ! COSMOS! ANYONE!!"

The two slapped their hands over his mouth. "Shush! Reeuk might find us!" Firion growled, taking a fearful look around.

Light hoisted the two to their feet. "Oh, come on, guys! We're the Light Warriors! _FEARLESS_ heroes chosen by Cosmos herself! We have to go back up! Our honor is at stake!"

Cecil scowled at him. "You just want to run and hide to Cosmos. Well, you aren't going without us!"

"Yeah!" Firion declared.

At that, the warriors valiantly marched back upstairs.

Once there, Light fainted on the spot. Trash littered the living room, and something in the kitchen roared.

Just about the worst part, however, was the fact that Squall and Cloud were tied up, hanging from the ceiling.

"What happened here!?" Light demanded, about to burst a vein.

The two glared at them. After a nice, cheery barrage of cursing was done upon them, Squall told them the horrific story. "Our (filtered by Cosmos) leaders went (filtered by Cosmos) downstairs screaming like a (need I say it?) banshee with his two (FBC) co-(FBC)-leaders. Without those (FBC) leaders, (GREATLY filtered by Cosmos) Bartz, (GFBC) Zidane, and (UBER-GREATLY filtered by Cosmos) Tidus found our root beer stash."

"NOT THE ROOT BEER!" Cecil wailed, dropping to his knees.

Light and Firion shook their heads after him as he slouched away.

***

"You guys miserably depressed too?" Cecil asked the crowd.

Kuja gestured to the others: OK, Luneth, Garland, and Emperor were also greatly glum.

Luneth could not find his friends and thus stumbled there. Garland was hiding from Kefka and his collection of Death Note memorabilia. The Emperor could not find edible food and thus decided to rot away in hunger with others as miserable as himself.

Cecil stated, "Those (Darn. Cosmos just fainted) found my root beer stash," and he sat down with them.

_Saturday-Kuja- THE FINAL DAY_

Kuja valiantly stood, looking around at the despondent group. "This is the last day of the truce!" he announced. "As such, we need to use this to our advantage and take REVENGE!!"

Luneth shot up, sure he was going to become one of the villains. "Booyah!"

"NOOO!" Onion Knight moaned.

Kuja sent a Flare at the stupid remake. "Now does everyone agree?"

They cheered.

First, the five were to raid the Light Warriors' not-so-humble abode with Kuja leading the mission.

The defense squad- Bartz, Zidane, and Tidus- lined up with two giant water guns in hand. Unbeknownst to the five, the guns didn't exactly hold water….

"Charge!" Kuja yelled.

The three fired.

Kuja screamed again as hot fudge sprayed onto his robes. Still screaming, he ran off to find more clothes.

***

In his new attire- a white shirt with two stripes going down the front of it with the collar half flipped out, black shorts, and high boots- Kuja nodded solemnly and led the group back for round two.

Squall and Cloud, gasping, ran into them, begging to be allowed to fight against those deranged idiots. Squall was in charge of lookout duty and handed his gun blade to Kuja.

They next ran into the girls plotting their own schemes.

As payment for a wonderful chance at revenge on Zidane, Terra expertly tied Kuja's pink hair back.

Jecht was eager to fight his son.

Kefka came only in hope of meeting Reeuk.

Light and Firion had somehow escaped the terrible trio and joined for payback.

Exdeath was angered because of the demeaning tree jokes spread around by the three.

Sephiroth was bored.

With Kuja's warriors assembled, they marched back to the three. Emperor put up magic shields as Kuja, Ultimecia, Terra, and Onion Knight threw out magic spells at them. CoD moved through shadow to disarm them.

Still in possession of Squall's gun blade, Kuja splattered them with a myriad of colors.

Exdeath went to Bartz and shoved him inside. Seconds later, horrific screams were heard echoing from within. Squall, Cloud, and Garland teamed up against Zidane, the obvious leader of the group.

Tidus and Jecht, apart from the fray and ignoring the chaos around them, took turns insulting each other.

"Shantotto!" Zidane called. "SHANTOTTO! Bartz and Tidus are out of commission! I need back up!"

The small mage appeared, crossing her arms and glaring at the thief. "Too bad. You guys didn't save me any root beer."

"What!? Of course we did!" Zidane gaped, ducking to avoid a flying magic spell. "It's in the fridge!"

"Really? Well, thanks!" she smiled and rushed inside.

"NOOO! DON'T LEAVE ME! Y-YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! _WHAT ABOUT THE WHOLE 'YOU'RE NOT ALONE' THING!?_"

"Silly Zidane," Kuja clicked his tongue. "This isn't canon. You _are_ alone."

The group surrounded Zidane, all of them glaring at the thief. Gulping, Zidane asked, "Root beer, anyone?"

***

That afternoon, the heroes (with the exception of a certain three) and the villains had a cookout. Kefka was banned with Bartz, Zidane, and Tidus on account of him announcing that he would served fried morons.

Not even the Emperor had expected him to be cannibalistic.

But aside from those exceptions, all was well and all were happy.

"LIGHTNING!" Well… things were good until _that_ happened.

Kuja sharply turned to see a blond man and kid that strangely looked just like Tidus.

The blond grabbed Kuja's arm, pulling him with them. "Let's go. We've got to go save the world!"

"What!? Unhand me!" Kuja burst, trying to break free.

The Tidus-look-alive laughed. "Lightning is such a silly girl, isn't she, Snow?"

"You bet, Hope."

"I AM NOT A FREAKING WOMAN!"

Snow and Hope (who names a _boy_ 'Hope' anyway!?) burst out laughing.

"AND I'M NOT LIGHTNING! Darn those Japanese fools and their odd names for characters!"

***

"Hey, where's Kuja?" Zidane (who had snuck past WoL into the cook out party) asked. "And why was that hot Lightning chick here?"

They guffawed.

***

"FOR THE LAST FREAKING TIME, I AM NOT FREAKING LIGHTNING!" Kuja raged.

Then the real Lightning came in. She looked at Kuja and sighed. "Posers."

Snow and Hope stared at him in shock. "You're… not Lightning?"

Kuja tightly said, "No. My name is Kuja."

Hope furrowed his eyebrows. "Weren't you a bad guy?"

"I'm on Chaos' side, aren't I?"

"GET HER!" the two yelled.

As Kuja ran, he cried, "BUT I'M NOT A WOOOOOMMMMMMAAAAANNNNN!!"

_**The End**_


End file.
